Lord of the Facebook: Return of the Friend Request
by aotearoan
Summary: The Return of the King told through the characters' Facebook accounts. The third instalment of the Lord of the Facebook Statuses follows on from The Two Notifications and the Fellowship of the Facebook Status . Yes, Tolkien is spinning in his grave.
1. I just can't wait to be King

**Hi everyone, **

**This is the third instalment of **_**The Fellowship of the Facebook Statuses**_**, which tells LOTR through the characters' facebook accounts. For the first two, see **_**The Two Notifications**_** and **_**The Fellowship of the Friend Request. **_

**Note: this doesn't start right at the beginning of the**_** Return of the King,**_** as the beginning of ROTK is told in **_**The Two Notifications**_**, I didn't realise it was time to start a new story, sorry!**

**I don't own Tolkien's work, nor Jackson's, nor Facebook, nor the Luggage. **

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**Elrond: ****is feeling both depressed and doom-laden. Time to spread it around!**

**Gimli Sonofgloin:**** does not like these ghosts**...

**Awesome Merry****: is off to war!**

**Aweosme Merry****: is off to war **_**all alone**_

**Awesome Merry:**** misses his friends :(**

**Arwen ****changed her name to Arwen Undomiel**

**Arwen Undomiel changed her name to Arwen Evenstar**

_**Arwen Evenstar**__ found a lost warg cub wandering around. Adopt the warg cub! Play Arda Farms today!_

**Pippin Took:** the pipweed Merry gave me has already run out! I've hardly had time to smoke! I suspect That Wizard have subtly meddled in my affairs

Pippin Took: LOL I spelt pipeweed _Pip_weed.

Awesome Merry: Oh no, Pip. I thought you'd grown out of that. Where?

**Gandalf** _wrote on Pippin Took's wall:_ Now, Pippin... it may be better if you don't say anything at all when we visit him. Let me break the news..

_Pippin Took__ wrote on __Gandalf'__s wall_. Do you mean Denethor? What news? Oooh you mean about Boromir dying? I won't say anything. Not a word. And I'll remember this time. I promise!

_Denethor __commented on __Pippin Took's__ wall post_**: **Interesting. Very interesting.

**Pippin Took:** **oops**

_Pippin Took__ became the Steward of Gondor's I__mpertinent Hobbit and Singing Entertainment. _

**Faramir:** **crap, we lost Osgiliath.**

Faramir: Osgiliath? This never would have happened if Boromir was still alive! I wish you were dead instead blah blah blah. Blah favourite son blah... tidy your room, blah blah blah why haven't you got a girlfriend blah blah just not Manly enough blah Osgiliath blah blah try harder...

Denethor: What are you talking about this time, you useless failure and wizard's pupil?

Faramir: just getting in first, dad.

Denethor: I always knew you were crazy.

_Denethor __wrote on J__RR Tolkien'__s wall:_ Are you sure I'm in the right story? I sound like such a bastard.

JRR Tolkien: Look, take it up with that Jackson fellow. This is nothing to do with me.

Denethor: Can't I go back to Shakespeare now? Maybe one of his romantic comedies this time? But not A Midsummer Night's Dream. Elves called Mustard Seed? So unrealistic.

JRR Tolkien: Just.. just get on with it. Please.

**Aragorn!**:** even the ghosts obey me! It's so awesome having Ancestors. **

Aragorn!  took the "Which King are YOU?" quiz.

_With your wild looks, habit of singing, and Sense of Destiny, you are one archetypal King. You lost your parents at a young age, and grew up far from your true home in the company of people who you call family, but let's be honest, aren't even the same species as you. A wise old mentor, who uses his old man's staff to kick the bad guys' asses, counsels you to accept your Destiny. After some star gazing and a (vaguely incestual) love interest, you return to your home to rescue it from Dark Forces, in the company of a pair of mismatched companions who provide comic relief. You get rid of the usurper to your throne (who meets a fiery end), get the girl, and take your true place in the great Circle of Life. Congratulations! You are SIMBA from THE LION KING._

**Gandalf: stubborn bloody line of bloody stubborn Ecthelion.**

**Boromir Ofgondor: is frustrated to be DEAD. **

Faramir: well, can't you just come back to life, or something? We could use your help.

Boromir Ofgondor: Sorry, dude. Haven't killed enough Balrogs.

Boromir Ofgondor wrote on Faramir's wall: Oh, and take my advice. Don't ride out on some last desperate charge to Osgiliath. You're only doing it to prove some silly point to Dad, and you're not a teenager any more. Ignore the old grump. The horses look pretty, but it's really stupid. Anyway, think of the Minor Characters. You're endangering their lives with your whims!

Faramir: but the Minor Characters are so, well.. they're minor!

_Faramir__ is attending Last Ride on Osgiliath. _

Boromir Ofgondor: * sigh *

**Dernhelm: is practising her sword fighting. **

**Dernhelm: is practising his sword fighting. His. **

**Gimli Sonofgloin****: Boats. I hate boats. Almost as unnatural as horses. **

**Legolas Greenleaf: ****wtf, is that extra corsair Peter Jackson? I have a bone to pick with him... let's see how he likes being **_**pretty**_

Gimli Sonofgloin: Don't worry. You're not that pretty.

Aragorn!: ha, not as pretty as Galadriel, for example?

Gimli Sonofgloin: *blushes *

**Saruman:**** is off to sack the Shire! don't tell anyone. **

**Sam Gamgee: ** **better go and rescue Mr Frodo... something will surely have happened to him by now... **

**Mister Frodo:** **maybe I shouldn't have sent Sam away... this cave gives me the creeps. Oh well, luckily I've got Sméagol with me!**


	2. Dear Gimli, Look After Your Axe

**Thanks for the lovely reviews!**

**I do not own or profit from Tolkien, Pratchett, Jackson... just borrowing**

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**Mister Frodo:**** Sméagol is a good chap really.**

Sméagol: yess, yess, Sméagol is. Nice Masssster....

_**Mister Frodo**__** changed his name to **__**Master Frodo**__**. **_

Master Frodo: It's only one little letter, but.. it feels so different. :(

_Gollum __sent __Master Frodo __a __**Nasty Betrayal you should have Seen Coming**__! via Nefarious Gifts._

_Sméagol__ sent __Master Frodo__ a __**Reluctant Betrayal **__via Slightly Less Nefarious Gifts._

**Pippin Took**** is hungry. **

_Master Frodo__ wrote on __Gollum__'s wall: _curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

**Master Frodo****: ** **What on Arda is that? it felt like spi-**

Sam Gamgee: Are you all right, Frodo?

Gandalf: Frodo, what happened?

Sam Gamgee: felt like a what? Spit? Spiralling-out-of-control? Spilt drink? Hmmm... maybe I should go and see if you're OK

Gollum: It felt like the outcome of a very clever plan, preciouss. We are so clever.

Sam Gamgee: Maybe he meant _split personality_

Gollum: Maybe he meant WHAT A FAT HOBBIT.

**Pippin Took** **just lit up like seventeen mountains just by setting fire to the first one. I don't know how it worked. It must have been THE SHEER POWER OF MY MIND!!**

_**Pippin Took **__** added "setting things on fire with the sheer power of my mind!" to his interests. **_

**Awesome Merry:**** is hungry. And hopes that Pip isn't getting into trouble... **

**Gandalf: **** a fool's hope... **

_Gloin Sonofgroin__ sent __Gimli Sonofgloin__ a message_: Subject: Dear Gimli, Look After Your Axe.

Hello Son,

I hope everything is getting on well with you. Sorry I haven't been in contact. You know how it is. Give my regards to cousin Balin. Hope you are killing lots of orcs with that axe I made you. I am sorry that I sent you on that boring old quest, but I hope at least you are being attacked by innumerable hordes of savage orcs to cheer you down a little. I know you'd rather be at home, watching the exciting developments in the Rock Seams of Mine 23. I have saved some ore samples for you to analyse. Don't let the humans bring you up.

Yours with awkwardly expressed father-son affection,

Gloin.

P.S stay away from that elf!

**Pippin Took**** is hungry. **

_Quite a Lot of Orcs__ are attending __Siege on Gondor. _

**Aragorn!****why are the ghosts green? it's not like it's good camouflage... Where they green in their lifetimes? What did they do, die of grass consumption?**

**Gimli Sonofgloin ****added "Sea Shanties" to his favourite music. **

_Three of your friends are attending THE CORSAIR SHIPS_

**Legolas Greenleaf:**** is going to make up for the humiliation of Helms Deep... I'm going to win this one. **

_Gimli Sonofgloin __likes this. _

Gimli Sonofgloin: and by "like" I mean "snort derisively and pity your delusions"

**Pippin Took**: **by the Shire, Gandalf knows magic!**

Denethor  is attending _Premature Funeral Pyre. _

Faramir might be attending _Premature Funeral Pyre. _

**Awesome Merry:**** is hungry.**


	3. Seagulls, Sparkles and itsy bitsy Shelob

**Thank you all so much for your reviews/favourites! I don't own LOTR or anything else. **

Nieriel Raina: Sorry, I thought I'd put something about the sea-longing in, but I realised I had saved it in a draft version... oops. Oh well, since when did I stick properly to chronological order? Anyway, thanks for reminding me!

Khelc-sul Renai: yup, Peter Jackson is an extra in all three of the movies, and in ROTK he's a corsair, I'm pretty sure...

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**Faramir: ****now, nobody say I told you so, but... desperate last charge = stupid idea. Ouch. **

Faramir: And great, now dad's trying to set me on fire. Bloody typical.

**Legolas Greenleaf:**** Seagulls! Curses! And I was doing **_**so well... :(**_

Aragorn!:  No, Legolas, no! Block your ears and think of dry land!

Gimli Sonofgloin: I'm missing something here... what am I missing? Legolas' seagull fetish? If that is the case, I'd like to continue to miss it...

**Master Frodo: ****just got attacked by a giant bloody spider. Lame.**

Master Frodo:  I wonder if Sméagol has anything to do with this?

Master Frodo: A little help?

Master Frodo:  help!

Sam Gamgee: hold on, Frodo, I'M COMING!

_Galadriel __ gave __Frodo __:the light of Earendil" using _FANCY ELVISH FANCIES

**Aragorn!** **can't help worrying about those hobbits**

Faramir: ... shit.. i should never have let the small men go to Cirith Ungol

Boromir Ofgondor:  you let them go to Cirith Ungol?? What kind of idiot brother are you?

Faramir::  just cos you would have taken the ring to Gondor for dad!

Boromir Ofgondor : at least Dad wouldn't have injected Frodo with venom! Well, maybe.. in a manner of speaking.. .but he wouldn't have stored him in cobweb to suck all the juices out of him later!

Faramir: he poisons me with his venom all the time... actually, that's quite good. I think I'll write a poem about that for my LiveJournal. If i'm not roasted alive.

Aragorn!  what are you saying? The hobbits could have been attacked by a giant spider?

Legolas Greenleaf: ha, last time the hobbits got attacked by a "giant spider", I rushed to save them and it turned out to be just a baby, hardly as big as your forearm..

Aragorn!: sigh... you and your "I grew up in Mirkwood" stories.

Boromir Ofgondor: Wait, what? Roasted alive?

**Awesome Merry: **** is glad of all that practice chopping orcs up earlier, and just hopes it's enough... **

Dernhelm:  courage, Merry.

Awesome Merry: I don't need courage... I'm so awesome, the orcs aren't gonna know what hit them. I'm going to put an end to heightism on Middle Earth once and for all.

**Faramir: ****is on fire!**

Pippin Took:  I'm so sorry! Did I do it with my mind??

Faramir:  err... i don't think it was your fault

Pippin Took: I wish Merry were here... he'd know what to do. He's got lots of experience with things going wrong... he babysat me for years.

Faramir:  Crap, I'm feverish and I'm imaging more small men.

**Denethor: ****is dealing with his son's death in a sane and reasonable manner. **

Faramir: Huh, bet you wish it could be Boromir you're setting on fire, but it's only your second best second son. Or maybe this is an excuse to get rid of me: "Oh sorry, I thought he was dead and went slightly crazy with grief"

**Denethor: ****he's alive after all! This is the mother of all dramatic ironies. **

**Denethor: ****bugger. **

_Denethor __left Facebook. _

**Awesome Merry****: is hungry. **

_Faramir __ and __Pippin Took __ are now friends. _

**Master Frodo: **** is frothing a little at the mouth... **

Master Frodo: oh well, it takes my mind off Temptation. And at least now I can fall over backwards legitimately.

L**egolas Greenleaf:**** that's funny.. there's a man standing on the docks we're sailing to, and he looks like he's **_**sparkling **_**in the sunlight**

Aragorn!: Can you shoot him from here?

Legolas Greenleaf:  yes, but why would I waste an arrow on _that? _Things that sparkle are hardly threatening.

Aragorn! and there's that sound of hundreds of little legs again... it's starting to make me paranoid

Gimli Sonofgloin:  in answer to both your musings, that wooden box on legs just charged across to the sparkling guy, and ate him.

Aragorn! in a way, it was probably a mercy ki- swallowing.

Legolas Greenleaf: I wonder if the box will sparkle too, now?

Gimli Sonofgloin: something about the set of its lid makes me doubt that.

**Sam Gamgee: ****:( Frodo's dead!**

Sam Gamgee dislike! dislike!

**Sam Gamgee: ****Frodo's dead, and a spider as big as a house is trying to stab me with its poisonous bits!**

_Sam Gamgee__ borrowed "The LIght of Earendil" using _IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S USING IT, ANYWAY

_Sam Gamgee __just set his weekly high score in Epic! *Play Epic!* _

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Thanks and gratitude to: Eruadan Aranel ( I will), Laetitia du Chatelet ( i love him too) Dresdendollontheprowl, echobaby, AriannaMalfoy, Nieriel Raina, Khelc-Sul Renai, emmerlii, Bmangaka, Virtuella and Clodia (if anyone wants to read some excellent LOTR and Discworld fiction, I highly recommend Virtuella and Clodia, and Araloth the Random and Nieriel Raina for LOTR stuff), Mirach, Silver Sailor Ganymede, Starlight9 (YOU WERE THE FIRST REVIEW!!) Forgotten Bloodlines (sorry for making you cry!), Starrycat05, EstG, Princess Arimae (yes, sorry, it's confusing starting an overlapping story!) and everyone who favourited the story...


	4. DER DERN! DERN! DERDER DERN!

A very Merry Christmas to all my readers (and especially my reviewers!). Part of me wants to make a joke about a "Pippin Christmas as well" but see how nobly I'm resisting!

A/N: the sparkly guy was my childish desire to see Edward Cullen (Of Twilight fame) get eaten by the Luggage. It was also an allusion to a previous fanfic a friend and I used to write.

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**Sam Gamgee: In Mordor. Had to take the ring. Frodo's dead. :(. Day not going v. well.**

**Sam Gamgee: It doesn't help that I've been hearing "this quest has been appointed to YOU, Frodo" "If you do not find a way. NO-ONE WILL". "YOU were meant to have the ring" since the start of this bloody quest. No-one said "You're meant to have the ring, Frodo, but if you happen to cark it on the road and Sam here doesn't have any other choice but to take the ring for you, when the only alternative is to leave it behind in some spider's lair in Mordor, then maybe he's got a small shot at success too. My confidence is a little undermined right now!**

**Pippin Took: I'd barely been in the service of the Stewart of Gondor five minutes when he goes mad, sets himself on fire and falls off the bloody city. **

Pippin Took: Is this my fault? I'm always being told that I drive people mad.

Faramir: It's OK, Pippin. I BLAME MYSELF TOO

Pippin Took: but what for?

Faramir: oh, you know. Whatever goes down. Things happen. My job is to angst about it.

JRR Tolkien: Faramir, stop this nonsense. You have a job to do! I did not create you to be angsty.

Faramir: sorry, Professor.

**Sam Gamgee: He's alive! :)**

_ Sam Gamgee likes this._

**Sam Gamgee:**** He's alive, and I left him to be taken by Orcs... Not your finest hour, Sam Gamgee.**

_Sam Gamgee just set a rather lower score at Epic!_

**King Theoden King: Rohan will answer!**

Eomer: We're already riding, Uncle.

King Theoden King: We're already riding, _Uncle King_, if you please.

_Eomer wrote on King Theoden King's wall:_ Uncle King, I feel a bit guilty about Eowyn. Do you really think we should have left her behind, when it's obvious to everyone that we're just afraid of being shown up on the battlefield?

_King Theoden Kin__g wrote on__ Eomer__'s wall_: what, are you crazy? Do you really want everyone knowing she can kick your ass?

**Dernhelm****: is ready to kick some ass.**

**Master Frodo****: Smeagol betrayed me? How unexpected. Never mind, there's probably some reasonable explanation for it.**

_Master Frodo changed his name to Frodo Baggins_

**Frodo Baggins: where am I? Ouch.**

**Aragorn!: ****dern-DERN dern der-der-DERN!! der der DERN der der DERN der der DERN DERN-DERN.**  
Gimli Sonofgloin: look, Aragorn. It's one thing to gallop across the country side or leap onto ships while humming your very own theme tune, but to write it as your facebook status? LAME

Aragorn!: DERN..DERn... DErn... Dern... dern.

Gimli Sonofgloin:what is THAT supposed to be?

Aragorn!: it's the theme tune for people who kill my buzz. I call it the Song of Fail. Notice how towards the end it sounds kind of let down and disappointed?Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Aragorn!: It'll cue every time you speak, from now on until I get bored

**Gimli Sonofgloin: well, I am glad I am not going to be subject to the strange and immature new laws the destined King of Gondor is sure to pass if he ever gets his bum on the throne...**

Aragorn!: DERN... DERn... DErn... Dern... dern.

Gimli Sonofgloin: Oh ffs

Aragorn!: DERN... DERn... DErn... Dern... dern.

_Aragorn! added EPIC THEME TUNE, SOUNDTRACK TO MY LIFE, and THE SONG OF FAIL to his music. _

**Sam Gamgee: misses the wise guidance of his ever so wise warrior friends.**

**Aragorn!: when I am King, I'm going to have people following me around everywhere, providing a soundtrack to my life. **

Legolas Greenleaf: you mean like a fanfare? They already do that in courts and stuff, don't they?

Aragorn!: I am going to have an orchestra and also a Welsh men's choir. They will follow me EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE!

Gimli Sonofgloin: every bowel movement will be epic.

Aragorn!: Gimli spoke! Quick! Play the song of fail! DERN... DERn... DErn... Dern... dern.

Legolas Greenleaf:wait, now you're annoying Gimli? Can I join in?

Aragorn!: no.

Gimli Sonofgloin: I think he has the potential to be more annoying than you ever were.

Aragorn!: DERN... DERn... DErn... Dern... dern.

Legolas Greenleaf: My life's work! In ruins!

Gimli Sonofgloin: but you're also less likely to find an axe where your head was, whereas Aragorn! is definitely heading that way.

Aragorn!: DERN... DERn... DErn... Dern... dern.

**Awesome Merry: For the Shire! For my cousins and Sam! For all my friends and for Middle Earth! I will not let them down. **

Awesome Merry: Even if I'd quite like to crawl under my bed and stay there.

**Aragorn!: Is totally stabbing orcs. You know, for Frodo and stuff.**

**King Theoden King****: now for wrath! And for ruin! And a red dawn!**

**Awesome Merry****: no longer wants to crawl under his bed. Let's do this.**

_The Riders of Rohan just set a high score in Epic!_

**Gimli Sonofgloin: seventeen!**

Aragorn!: DERN... DERn... DErn... Dern... dern.

Gimli Sonofgloin: Aragorn, stop it. Everytime I shout a number, you sing that stupid tune, Legolas cracks up, all the orcs stop and stare at him in bemusement, then he kills them all and he wins.

Aragorn!: DERN... DERn... DErn... Dern... dern.

Legolas Greenleaf: Aragorn, please keep singing the fail song! It's hila- AAAARGH!

Gimli Sonfgloin: well, that was always going to happen if you keep stopping to clutch your ribs and laugh in the middle of a battlefield. You're lucky it was only a scratch.

Aragorn!: DERN... DERn... DErn... Der- AAARGH! Gimli, that HURT!

Gimli Sonofgloin: as I said to Legolas, you're lucky it was only a scratch.


	5. A Woman's Place is on the Battlefield

Happy New Year!

Sorry (a)about the editing mistakes in the last chapter. They were a result of incredibly slow internet and repeated crashes and (b) for the delay in posting. Camping holiday. No internet at the beach. And dolphins!

Does anyone know how to edit a chapter that's already been posted??

THANK YOU! for my lovely reviews that make me happy :D

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**Aragorn!** **is going to piss off dwarves more carefully in future. Preferably from a distance.**

Gimli Sonofgloin:  we have _throwing axes_, laddy.

Legolas Greenleaf:  Gimli, I think you mispelt that word. Surely it only has one d, when applied to Aragorn?

Aragorn! just you two wait til I'm King...

**Dernhelm: ****funny how everyone is trying to out-King everyone else... **

**Éomer: ****I think my horse-tail helmet is actually quite dashing. Especially in battle.**

**Aragorn****!: to Gondor!**

Legolas Greenleaf: on second thoughts, let's not go there. It is a silly place.

Aragorn!: No! No quoting.

Gimli Sonofgloin: And there's the small matter of the several thousand ugly orcs in the way.

Aragorn!:  isn't "ugly orcs" a tautology?

Legolas Greenleaf: your mom's a tautology.

Aragorn!: *Sigh*

Gimli Sonofgloin: Uglier than usual, I mean. That orc leading the army looks like an animated tumour. Compared to him, the orcs I usually hack to death are quite pleasant looking.

**Dernhelm:****I seem to be doing well at this battle stuff. Good job I'm not a woman...**

**Awesome Merry:**** just helped bring down a Mumûk. You couldn't do that in the Shire.**

_Legolas Greenleaf __just set a new high score in Epic!_

Gimli Sonofgloin: and yet it still only counts as one.

**Legolas Greenleaf:****the armies of the dead look like minty mouthwash, washing away the plaque of the orcs...**

Gimli Sonofgloin: Legolas, don't give up your day job.

Aragorn! what's mouthwash?

Legolas Greenleaf: oh, you wouldn't have come across it, Smellagorn.

**The Witchking of Angmar:**** puny mortals. No man can kill me! **

Dernhelm:  what about women?

The Witch King of Angmar:  Ha ha! Everyone knows that women get all confused by the shiny metal when they try to wave swords around. Anyway, there are no women on this battlefield!

**Dernhelm: ****I am no man!**

_Dernhelm __is now listed as female_

_Dernhelm __changed her name to __Éowyn_

**The Witchking of Angmar:**** Oh. **

Éowyn: exactly.

_The __Witchking of Angmar__ is no longer online. _

**Awesome Merry:**** when is stabbing someone in the knee epic? When it's the king of the ringwraiths. High five!**

**King Théoden King:**** I was defeated by something my niece finished off in about two seconds... I think I'm going to expire of shame. Or internal bleeding from being crushed by a horse. One or the other.**

Éowyn:__Uncle! I will save you!

King Théoden King: If you were going to save me, you should have killed that thing about a quarter of an hour earlier. You know, BEFORE I was fatally wounded? Otherwise, what's the point of disobeying my orders to stay home?

Éowyn: ...

King Théoden King: you did a bloody sight better than your brother though. Where on Middle Earth was he when I was getting clobbered ?

**King Théoden King****: at least I got to do an awesome and very epic speech **

**Frodo Baggins**: **life sucks right now. **

_Mordor Orcs __set a new high in "_Squabbling Amongst Yourselves!"_tm _


	6. Only Momentarily Tempted

**Aoteroan: ****thanks so much to everyone who helped me out with my various technical shortcomings... the badly edited chapter should now be fixed ^.^**

_Aotearoan __is now a fan of __Daisymall13__, __Emmerlii_and _Virtuella__'s helpful advice_

and thank you all so much for the reviews! Each one makes me all happy and insufferable.

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**Arwen Evenstar:**** is thinking of changing her name to Arwen Justaroundlunchtime. This whole 'Evening of my people' thing... it's a little pessimistic. **

**Sam Gamgee:**** is only momentarily tempted and would really prefer to be gardening. Shame, ring! You fail!**

_Pippin Took__ is now friends with __Beregond_

**Aragorn!**** totally killin' orcs, totally awesome. **

**Gandalf:**** courage is now your best defence...**

Gandalf: (and only defence)

_Pippin Took__ added "Guard of the Citadel" to his Position._

**Awesome Merry:**** aw, how come every time you clobber a Ringwraith you fall over? Never mind, someone will notice me soon... **

**Éomer: ****nooooooooo!**

Éowyn: stop moaning, bro, and do something useful! Like getting me to the Houses of Healing... or are you just having a little tantrum because I kicked arse and you kicked arse slightly less?

**Gimli Sonofgloin:****Durin's Beard! I've- I've **_**lost count!**_

Legolas Greenleaf: Ha! I'm going to randomly shout numbers out, so you will lose count even more and I WILL WIN HAHA!

Gimli Sonofgloin: dude, in canon, this competition was supposed to be a way of expressing our manly affection for each other and covering up our anxiety about each other in the midst of battle! Not this competitive, juvenile competition

Legolas Greenleaf:  aw, really? That's... sweet. I feel a bit ashamed now for being so competitive and sneakily stealing some of your orcs.

Legolas Greenleaf: Wait.. now _I've_ lost count! Was this your plan all along?

Gimli Sonofgloijn: Wait, you stole some of my orcs?

**Legolas Greenleaf:**** calling people 'dude' isn't canon, anyway. **

**Samwise Gamgee: ****is off to rescue Frodo. **

**Awesome Merry:**** a little help, someone?**

**Gandal: **** walk softly, carry a big stick, and hit orcs with it. **

_Pippin Took__ likes this._

**Aragorn!:**** hopes that his beloved Arwen is thinking of him, out on the battlefield, whence he may **_**never return. **_

**Arwen: ****ooh, Harry Potter three is on telly! **

**Awesome Merry: **** Curses! I'm too short to be seen! Clearly, I didn't drink enough Entdraught.**

**Gandalf: ****is pretty pleased that he got to do some proper fighting, instead of disappearing at key moments and falling off things all the time. **

_Gandalf __added "killing orcs" and "rallying the troops" to his interests. _

**Mordor Orcs:**** oooh... shiny. **

**Legolas Greenleaf:**** impressive how all the dead sort of ... disappeared. Is that what all mortals do when they die?**

Gimli Sonofgloin: I still think Aragorn should have kept those guys around.

**Aragorn!****: is off to see the Wizard! **

Gimli Sonofgloin: only instead of a wizard in an Emerald city, it's a white wizard and a white city. Not so very PC.

Legolas Greenleaf:  And your road isn't yellow brick, it's littered with the corpses of men and orcs.

Aragorn!: you guys are depressing.

**Pippin Took:**** luckily I'm around, to take care of the important things, like rescuing overlooked Hobbits! **

Awesome Merry: and that is _very _important. Yay! Aargh! Where am I?

**Mordor Orcs: ****are afraid of the great and fierce elvish warrior coming to beat the crap out of them.... **

Sam Gamgee: that's right! Be afraid! I'm gonna... wait, what?

**Aweosme Merry: **_**I see dead people. **_

**Aragorn!**** the hands of a king are the hands of a healer. I guess that makes me THE KING!**

**Mordor Orcs:**** are killing each other. **

_Sam Gamgee__ likes this. _

**Aragorn**!** *heal heal heal.* **

Aragorn!: this healing stuff is more complicated than I thought.


	7. The Name Game

I don't own Tolkien's work, nor any of the other recognisable characters/quotes I borrow from people with better senses of humour than me. This is non-profit and I do it for fun and for the wonderful reviews :) So thank you!

Thanks to Virtuella for the idea I use below (_Aragorn! changed his name to Smellagorn)_

I nearly didn't survive to write this chapter after being chased and almost eaten by the mini-balrog, Gandal. Thanks to everyone who warned me.

* * *

**Awesome Merry: **** fighting ringwraiths is lame... you end up with a sort of hangover of darkness when really I'd rather have a hangover of beer.**

Aragorn!: No! No beer. I am _Healing _you_. _No beer until you are Healed.

Awesome Merry: but beer is good for you!

Pippin Took: at least you got to fight! I got to run around being patronised. And almost flattened by siege weapons.

Awesome Merry:  yeah, but now I'm stuck in bed, and I'm sure there'll be more fighting soon. And you got a really spiffy uniform!

Pippin Took: Yes, it is rather spiffing. But then, we Knights of Gondor can't be expected to run around looking scruffy, like those smelly blond horse-appreciaters. _We_ have a reputation to maintain and a proud city to defend.

Awesome Merry: I think by "smelly blond horse-appreciaters," you mean "the people who saved your 'proud city' because they actually know how to fight". When Rohan does a Last Desperate Charge for Death and Honour, we make sure the Death part isn't ours. That's the sensible way of doing things.

Pippin Took: well, there's not much honour about being covered in horse-sweat, is there?

Awesome Merry: Gondorians are so morbid they should be called... _Morbidorians. _

Pippin Took: oh, run along to your horse-appreciation meeting.

Awesome Merry: I just hope you take those pointy helmets off during thunderstorms.

_Éowyn __ and __Faramir__ are in a relationship._

Awesome Merry: gosh, I never saw that one coming...

**Sam Gamgee:**** well, that was easier than I expected. Thank the Valar for the Orcs' bad tempers.**

**Frodo Baggins:**** give It back now!**

**Frodo Baggins: ****sigh. I can't wait to be rid of this damn thing. Sorry Sam.**

**Smellagorn: ****I'm the King! Nearly. **

Smellagorn: wait...

_Smellagorn __ changed his name to __Aragorn!_

_Aragorn!__ wrote on __Legolas Greenleaf's__ wall. _You and your bloody elvish hacking skills.

Gimli Sonofgloin commented on Aragorn!'s wallpost: Ain't got nothing on MY "hacking" skills. Hur hur hur.

Aragorn!: what? How does that even make sense?

Gimli Sonofgloin:...because I hack stuff with my axe?

Aragorn!:  Oh you made a pun! I'm so proud of you. But, just for future reference, the hur hur hur is usually reserved for dodgy sexual innuendo puns, OK? But that was a good first effort.

Gimli Sonofgloin: you mean you humans even have special categories of pun within punning? Wow.

Legolas Greenleaf: wait, I think I've got one... can you- HACK- it?

Aragorn!: another thing (and I hate to be so picky when you're both so new at this) but puns should ideally relate somehow to the conversation. And puns don't need to be capitalised.

Gimli Sonofgloin: ha, I get it! PICK-y!

Aragorn!: *Sigh*

_Aragorn! __changed his name to __Smellagorn Mortalbreath._

**Sam Gamgee:**** is really sad. :(**

Frodo Baggins: never mind, Sam. We can get you some more pots and pans when we get back.

_Smellagorn Mortalbreath __changed his name to __I'm Practically King So Stop Fucking With Me, Legolas, Or You Will Be Royally Beaten._

_Frodo Baggins __changed his name to __Frood Baggins__._

**Frood Baggins: ****I still know where my towel is. **

Sam Gamgee: Really? I threw out all my beloved saucepans and you've still been lugging around a friggin' towel?

_I'm Practically King So Stop Fucking With Me, Legolas, Or You Will Be Royally Beaten__ wrote on __Legolas Greenleaf'__s wall_: *in long-suffering yet patient tone of voice befitting the practically king* I'm changing my passwords and I will cause you great pain if you hack my account one more time.

Legolas Greenleaf: hey, why do you always blame me, Mr I'm-Practically-King?

_I'm Practically King So Stop Fucking With Me, Legolas, Or You Will Be Royally Beaten __changed his name to __Smellagorn!_

_Smellagorn!__ changed his name to Aragorn!_

_Aragorn! wrote on __Legolas Greenleaf's__ wall: _That's it. I'm going to put a seagull in your pack.

Legolas Greenleaf: it's not me, for the last time! I have better things to do, thank you very much, then indulge in petty jokes on the eve of battle! I'm worrying about Frodo and Sam.

Aragorn! No, you're not. You're on Facebook playing "BeSilmarilled Blitz". And if it's not you, who is it? You're the one who calls me "Smellagorn"

Legolas Greenleaf: and you're the one who doesn't brush his teeth very often. We all have our roles to play.

**Legolas Greenleaf;**** a diversion!**

Gimli Sonofgloin: your intellecte never fails to astound me...

Pippin Took: you spelt "intellect' wrong.

Gimli Sonofgloin: remind me, why did we ever try to rescue you again?

_Aragorn!__changed his name to __Not Even that Attractive and Certainly Not Worth Giving up Immortality For,_

**Awesome Merry:**** thanksss PIP! Fo smugglingging the beer here into the hosuesofhealering!**

Pippin Took: Don' telll Arara- Ararara- Ara- don' tel Strider!

_Not Even that Attractive and Certainly Not Worth Giving up Immortality For __changed his name to __I Am Totally Worth It._

_I Am Totally Worth It__ changed his name to __Why Don't you Marry a Nice Elvish Boy, Instead?_

_Why Don't you Marry a Nice Elvish Boy, Instead?:_ ...ELROND! YOU BASTARD! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE UP ALREADY? WHY DON'T YOU STOP INTERFERING WITH MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT AND WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'S CHOICES? NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU SORRY, YOU BLOODY CROSS-DRESSING TWERP.

Legolas Greenleaf: see, Aragorn? I told you it wasn't me!

**Gimli Sonofgloin:**** Small chance of success? Almost certain death?.. It's times like this I wish I had some sort of survival instinct... **


	8. The Mouthwash of Sauron

Sorry everyone, I have had no internet access for so long. I will try to update quicker next time!

_Elrond__, __Galadriel __and __Gandalf __joined the group Really Cool People who Wear Awesome Rings United Against Sauron who is Making Us All Look Bad._

Legolas Greenleaf: Lothlorien: magical protective ring. Imladris: magical protective ring. Mirkwood: spiders and sorcerers and battles and dragons and dwarves traipsing through all the bloody time, and holding off the forces of darkness before tea. Sometimes I know exactly how Boromir felt...

Boromir Ofgondor: Thank you! Exactly!

Gimli Sonofgloin: Excuse me; did you just compare _Dwarves_ to the forces of darkness?

Legolas Greenleaf: yes. And…?

_Why Don't you Marry a Nice Elvish Boy, Instead?: __changed his name to __Aragorn!_

**Gandalf: ****that's funny… I can hear the sound of hundreds of little feet, following our army…**

**Aragorn! ****Oh yeah, I'm totally leading an army, woo! If I win, everyone will love me even more than they already do. If I lose, no-one will blame me because this war's unwinnable anyway. **

Gimli Sonofgloin: If you lose, we _are all going to die. _Screw my previously gung-ho attitude to battles, I want to live!

Aragorn! Oh stop whining, Grumpy.

Gimli Sonofgloin: Aragorn, if you die, _you won't be the king._

Aragorn!: Oh, come on! I can't die- I'm going to be the king!

Gimli Sonofgloin:Wait, did you just call me Grumpy?

Aragorn!: Yes, you're always Grumpy, except when you're Dopey.

Legolas Greenleaf: and when he's talking to Galadriel, he's Bashful

Gimli Sonofgloin: I'm about to Bashful someone in the face.

_Legolas Greenleaf__ added *nancing* to his interests_

**The Mouth of Sauron:** **likes to crush peoples' hopes. Mwahaha! **

_Gimli Sonofgloin __wrote on __Aragorn!__'s wall:_Man, the Mouth guy has even worse breath than you do. He needs the Mouthwash of Sauron.

Aragorn! what's Mouthwash?

**Aragorn!: Why will nobody tell me what Mouthwash is??!!?**

**Legolas Greenleaf: ****the Mouth of Sauron is not a very nice person!**

**Eomer:** **yes, Eowyn had to stay home in bed. Win! **

Eomer: Although I'm not entirely happy about _why_ she was suddenly so keen to stay in bed_. _Must resist the urge to punch him on the nose when we get back. That wouldn't be very kingly.

_Eowyn__ added "another kind of swordplay" to her interests. _

**Faramir:**** is loving how bouncy the beds in the Houses of Healing are. And pondering the fate of Middle Earth, of course. **

_Eowyn__ wrote on __Faramir__'s wall: _Hey, how about I teach you how to ride the Rohirrim way…

Faramir: sounds good!

**Sam Gamgee: ****I can't carry It for you, Frodo... but I can carry you!**

Frodo Baggins: OK.

Sam Gamgee: OK? err.... well... er.... OK, then. I guess I can give it a shot.

**Gandalf: ****A wooden chest on hundreds of little legs! what new treachery of Sauron is this?**

Aragorn!: it's accelerating towards the Mouth of Sauron…

**The Mouth of Sauron:**** how come everyone's stopped paying attention to me? I've practised this speech! … what are they all looking at?**

**Gandalf: ****ouch.**

Eomer: and right in the middle of parlay.

Aragorn!: I was going to do that. I was. That damn box on legs, it stole my idea.

Gandalf: I don't believe you. You're not the sort of low, cheating backstabber who'd kill someone during parlay!

Aragorn!: I totally am! I mean… yeah. Joking.

**Pippin Took****: Great. All I'm allowed to do is sit on this bloody horse under bloody Gandalf's nose. I won't be able to do anything cool. **_**I **_**wanted to attack the Mouth, but noooo, Gandalf has to be a big old spoilsport. ****I hope he gets squashed by a troll. **


	9. It's Complicated

Thank you so much, everyone, for the lovely reviews! Also, a very happy birthday to friends and LOTR fans Amy Wan Kenobi, Aqua Rosie, and BoroMartin!!! You get an exclamation mark each.

PS Thank you to those who pointed out that the 'horseplay' last chapter was too much for a k+ rating. While it was all technically true about the swords and horses, I have changed the rating to T ^-^

* * *

**Gandalf:**** In some strange reversal of logic, the Mouth has been eaten. By a wooden box on legs, no less. Hmmm. **

**Aragorn!:**** for Frodo!**

Gimli Sonofgloin: And maybe, just slightly, to impress Arwen, eh, Aragorn?

Aragorn!: And slightly, just maybe, to impress Galadriel.

Legolas Greenleaf: Oh wow, Gimli has a crush on Aragorn's girlfriend's granny.

Gimli Sonofgloin: ....

Legolas Greenleaf: so Gimli would be Aragorn's step-grandfather in law. That's a situation worthy of an "it's complicated" if I ever saw one.

Gimli Sonofgloin: immortality must have its fallbacks as well as its benefits.

Legolas Greenleaf; Yeah, it really does.

Aragorn!: like chatting up your great aunt.

Legolas Greenleaf: Aragorn! You promised me! And now I will have to kill you.

Gimli Sonofgloin: Run, lad. I think he means it. I've never seen his eyes glint so dangerously...

Aragorn!: noooo! Attack the armies of Mordor first, then me! Don't let this rage go to waste!

Legolas Greenleaf: I hate you _so much_.

Gimli Sonofgloin: well, Aragorn's in love with his adopted sister... and that's kinda inc-

Aragorn!: -incapable of being understood by your small mind? That's what you were going to say, right?

_Arwen __took the quiz "What should you have for dinner?"_ _Arwen's result: Toast._

You should have toast for dinner. You like the home comforts, and you can eat toast curled up in front of the fire with a good book. Let other people eat hard tack or hunt spiders for their meal. You don't need to stoop to that level of uncivilised survival.

*Take this quiz*

**Awesome Merry:**** non-canon = Merry attacking orcs in front of the Black Gate!**

Pippin Took: but verily, Merry, are you attacking them merrily?

Awesome Merry: Shut up, Pip.

Pippin Took: Verily.

**Pippin Took:**** Curse those people with the longer legs! We would have been first!**

_Arwen Evenstar t__ook the quiz "what is Your Deepest Fear?"__ Arwen Evenstar's __result: Your Deepest Fear is that you are unnecessary to the plot!_

Somewhere deep inside you have a nagging feeling that you are, in fact, unnecessary. Everyone else is off doing something important, while you sit at home and do, well, not a lot. Well, don't worry, you are important in your own way! It's hardly your fault if everyone you know is bloody stupid. They just have their priorities all wrong! Who'd want to go traipsing off all over Middle Earth when they can hang around you and bask in your radiance? Out there it is dirty, smelly, and lacking in tasteful furniture to drape oneself over. Anyway, you ARE doing important things! Being in love is an activity! You've already made your choice, yes, but now you have to look pretty and wistful! Everyone else may be Driving out Darkness, but you are Suffering.

Arwen Evenstar: Screw that. I totally changed a light bulb just now. Let it not be said that Arwen Evenstar did not do her bit to drive out the darkness!

**Legolas Greenleaf: ****I really hate fighting orcs. **

Gimli Sonofgloin: What?!?

Aragorn!: WHAT? you hate fighting orcs, really?

Legolas Greenleaf: Of course I do. It's distasteful.

Gimli Sonofgloin: And I suppose you'd rather be nancing through the forest, holding eloquent conversations with the trees? I thought you _liked_ killing orcs!

Legolas Greenleaf: No, I hate killing orcs. I only like killing _more orcs than you. _It's a specific level of killing orcs.

Aragorn!: well, you picked a hell of a time to tell us.

_Arwen Evenstar __took the quiz "Do I have too much spare time on my hands?" Arwen's result: Yes. _

Yes. Yes, you do.

*Take this quiz*

**Saruman: ****meanwhile, the character everyone has forgotten about sneaks off back to the Shire. Mwahaha!**

_Sam Gamgee__ wrote on __Frodo Baggins' __wall:_ do you remember the taste of strawberries, Frodo?*

Frodo Baggins: No, Sam, and nor do I want to. I'm allergic to strawberries. Don't you remember that strange rash? How insensitive to bring that up. Especially at a time like this.

Sam Gamgee: Sorry, Mr Frodo. It was only a small rash.

Frodo Baggins: I have enough on my plate, thank you. What with the ring, the

volcano...

Gollum: the sudden attack by us...

Frodo Baggins: aaaargh!


	10. Trolling

Hello everyone,

Wow, getting near the end now- feeling a bit sad. Better review while you have the chance! To those that have reviewed, thank you very much! :)

Thanks to Khelc-sul Renai for the "Elf Face" comment I have stolen.

I don't own Tolkien's work (I doubt he'd appprove of Facebook) nor any of the talented people whose work I rip off...

-Aotearoan

**___________**

**Sam Gamgee: wishes I'd saved a frying pan or two to clout that nasty Gollum with. I really should have seen this attack coming...**

**Gimli Sonofgloin:**** Ha, fifty-eight! What are you on, three? Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with a loser.**

Legolas Greenleaf: how about fighting side by side with your mum?

Aragorn!: the deep inter-species friendship you have forged inspires me, it truly does, now _watch out for that orc!_

**Pippin Took****: trying to concentrate on the battle, but worrying about Frodo and Sam, also missing elevenses. **

Awesome Merry: curses, Pip, you've made me think of those crumpets with the blueberry jam we used to have for elevenses back in the Shire

Pippin Took: No, Merry, the scones are definitely what I miss the most. Clotted cream and a nice cup of tea...

Awesome Merry: mushrooms fried in herb butter and potatoes done just right

Legolas Greenleaf: er, hello? Hobbits, meet reality. Reality looks like orcs attacking, not a menu. Unless you're on the orcs' menu...

Gimli Sonofgloin: I'll have you know that if either of you dies now, after all the hard work Legolas and I have put into keeping you safe, I shall be _very pissed off. _ Not to mention we shall lose a bet.

Awesome Merry: it's OK, Gimli. Everytime I need to update my status, I duck behind this massive Rohirrim warrior and do it. Then I duck out again and chop at orcs' knees. The system hasn't failed me yet.

Pippin Took: a bet with who?

Boromir Ofgondor: Talking of wasted effort, I will make your after-life not worth living if you die now and waste my totally noble sacrifice.

Pippin Took: A bet with _who?_

**Frodo Baggins:**** running up the mountain! Sudden burst of strength ftw. **

**Awesome Merry:**** is hungry.**

**Sam Gamgee****: showing mercy is all well and good to let everyone know you're a Good Character, but really, after the sixth or seventh treacherous attack, you'd think *someone* would grow a brain. **

**Pippin Took: **** the eagles are coming! Only about a year too late.**

Gandalf: it gets less impressive each time I see them do this.

**Awesome Merry****: Noooo! **_**Pippin! **_**Don't be squashed by a troll, Pippin! :( **

Awesome Merry: And I had to be here to see it and be all traumatised. :(

Aragorn!: And now I'm getting squashed by a troll! This place is more full of trolls than an internet forum.

Awesome Merry: something about this doesn't seem right... why are you BOTH getting crushed by trolls? Is it a two-for-the-price of one special?

_Awesome Merry,__Aragorn! __and __Pippin Took__ joined the cause "End Selective Canon Loyalty Now!"_

**Éomer:**** is it just me, or was it a stupid idea to hang around here to get surrounded by Mordor's army? Also, Aragorn's speech was kind of lame.**

**Gandalf****: is hoping that Frodo didn't take that thing about pitying Gollum too seriously... **

**Frodo Baggins: ****is standing over the fiery lava of Mount Doom. After all that build up, no matter how dramatic these next few moments are, they're still going to be a let down-**

Sam Gamgee: destroy it! DESTROY IT! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Frodo Baggins: -not least because I've just decided I'm keeping the ring.

Sam Gamgee: Oh, _bugger. _

**Gollum:** ** mussst save the preciousss!**

Sméagol: Sméagol agrees.

**Sauron: ****hmmm. Maybe I should have set guards on the entrance to Orodruin, and not left that handy walkway there.. . but no, nobody would think of destroying it. That would be inconceivable! **

**Legolas Greenleaf****: ninety-seven!**

Gimli Sonofgloin: Oh shut up, Elf Face. Some of us have more important things on our minds.

Legolas Greenleaf: I translate that as "I am losing, oh wise Legolas".

**Arwen Evenstar:**** maybe I'll just visit the library**

**Aragorn!: **_**Help your future king is getting minced you bastards don't back away someone help or i'll be no more than royal troll toejam help-**_

Legolas Greenleaf: I'm trying! I'm swishing my hair around all over the place, with a really _intense_ expression!

**Awesome Merry:** **:(**

**Sam Gamgee:****wow. That must suck. He finally gets his slimy little hands on the ring and **_**plop, **_**straight into the volcano. **

**Sauron: ****inconceivable!**


	11. Hugs for Everyone!

Hello lovely people,

Thank you for the lovely reviews. I am always ridiculously pleased to receive each one

Here is the chapter. I am afraid this one is more comments than statuses. The characters all kind of ran away on me with this one. I think it is because my mind is frazzled because the computer ate four hours of my work today. *excuses excuses*

EstG- just for you.

* * *

**Gandalf: ****wow… the box on legs, it's herding the orcs into those handy crevasses that just opened up out of nowhere.**

Aragorn!: waste of good food in my opinion. My subjects could have eaten those orcs for weeks.

Aragorn!: Before you judge me, my subjects have been in siege situation and most of the farmland and food stores that my subjects survived on have probably been destroyed. I am thinking of the practicalities for my subjects' survival, people! That's what a king does! My subjects depend on me!

Legolas Greenleaf: Your subjects like to be arbitrarily mentioned in every sentence, to ensure that the whole of Middle Earth knows you're king!

Gimli Sonofgloin: Well, technically, you're not the king yet.

Aragorn!: You mean, "you're not the king yet, your Majesty".

Gimli Sonofgloin:No. No, I don't.

Aragorn!: well, you can just treat me with due respect or else- wait- oh no! What's this? It's the SONG OF FAIL! DERN DERn DErn Dern dern.

Gimli Sonofgloin: if you sing the song of fail and offend the Dwarves, you will start a major international incident!

Aragorn!: How can I spark a major international incident if I'm not even king yet?

Gimli Sonofgloin: Haha!

Awesome Merry: When you've all quite finished discussing these things of tiny importance, Pippin is still crushed under a tonne of troll, and Frodo and Sam are being covered in molten lava! GET A BLOODY MOVE ON.

Aragorn!: Or what? *smirks* You'll bite us in the knee?

Aragorn!: OUCH! Ok, ok, I'm moving!

Gandalf: Don't worry, Merry. I'll take the Eagles for Frodo and Sam and the rest of you can find Pippin. And I am impressed that my passing comment about Orcs became a conversation about the nature of royalty via food distribution that ended in Aragorn being bitten in the knee by an enraged Brandybuck.

**Frodo Baggins:**** I am sitting on an erupting volcano, while giant eagles- one of which has a wizard riding it- fly out of the sky to rescue me. And my gardener. What's wrong with this picture?**

Sam Gamgee: I know! Gandalf's hat- how on Middle Earth is it staying on?

Frodo Baggins: Gandalf? Isn't he dead? Nosy old git, he was... maybe it's a good thing; we could never have got him to retire otherwise.

Frodo Baggins: This is ridiculous. I really want to go home.

**Pippin Took****: Yay! I didn't think I was going to survive being squashed by that troll, yet here I am! Thanks Gimli! Gimli's so nice, he spent hours searching for me when everyone thought I'd died. He must really care about me :)**

Aragorn!: wait, you survived?... crap, now I owe Gimli and Legolas a beer each. I mean... good. Good. Yay! You survived!

Aragorn!: I'm actually happy about this.

Gimli Sonofgloin: haha! Beer! Sooo worth the hours spent looking.

Pippin Took: beer? THAT'S why you looked for me? I thought... I thought you were my friend :(

Gimli Sonofgloin: Are you kidding? beer is nice, but we've spent the last year keeping you safe from things. I would feel extremely hurt if you had the ingratitude to get offed in the final battle.

Legolas Greenleaf: It would have been most inconsiderate.

Boromir Ofgondor: Not to mention strangely haunting

Pippin Took: can you haunt people in the afterlife? It doesn't make sense?

Boromir Ofgondor: probably. I mean, I'm haunting my facebook account, and that's hardly traditional, is it? More useful than haunting a building though- you can still talk to your friends and I'm getting really good at Arda Farms.

Pippin Took:… er… well, anyway. Thanks Gimli.

Gimli Sonofgloin: Merry would have helped me look, but he had a sudden attack of Canon. He's recovering in the houses of healing.

_Aragorn!__ is now engaged to __Arwen Evenstar__. _

Pippin Took: Aragorn and his adopted sister, K.I.S.S.I.N.G…

Aragorn! Shut up, Pip… didn't you hook up with one of your relatives at Bilbo's going away party?

Awesome Merry: To be fair, in the Shire, it's hard not to.

Pippin Took: Strider! You are _stalking_ me! That happened ages before we were friends on facebook.

Aragorn! No, I just… I was just curious…

Pippin Took: Stalky stalky stalker!

_Legolas Greenleaf wrote on Arwen's wall_. Is it true you're staying? For *Elessar? Why? *Haven't you *smelt* him?

Arwen Evenstar: I was totally going to go to the Grey Havens, but sometimes parents nag so much you just want to do the opposite to spite them. Plus, ain't no way that blonde Eowitch is getting her unhygienic warrior's hands on *my* mortal. I don't trust her to be satisfied with that Faramir for long.

Legolas Greenleaf: I know what you mean. I'm only doing this quest thing cos Ada wanted me to go to law school. "I don't want you to die" blah blah blah. I couldn't care less about Middle Earth. Parents can be so embarrassing... do you know he tried to join *Myspace* last week? That's sooo second age.

Arwen Evenstar: Ha, was it as embarrassing as the time Thranduil got roaring drunk and declared war on Rivendell last year?

Legolas Greenleaf: hey, we would have won!

Arwen Evenstar: I doubt that. Your father can be scary, but he doesn't have the Power of the Eyebrows.

_Gimli Sonofgloin__ sent a message to __Gloin Sonofgroin__: _

Hi Dad,

Thanks for your email. Sorry it took me so long to reply, you know what it's like. I find staying in touch awkward and I don't know how to write letters. I'd rather catch up over a beer and another beer and an epic song about gold and then some chips. I have been looking after my axe. Miss the mines. Saw some pretty sparkly caves, stupid humans don't know what a treasure they have there at Aglarond. Trying to educate the tall people in Dwarvish mannerisms. Aragorn's showing some promise, but Legolas is hopeless (he's the elf you warned me to be careful of, remember?).

Aragorn's beard growing out a bit, but I feel I have failed with Legolas as his face is still pathetically bare. Feel quite sorry for him, actually. Fancy not being able to grow anything on your face. His chin must feel lonely and cold. Neither of them has been able to swear in Dwarvish yet, but then, Dwarvish is a secret language anyway and I have refused to teach them. Well, Aragorn can a bit, but his accent is terrible. Had to talk to the elf a bit - we're kind of questing together, so it's hard not to. But he's OK and hasn't done any of the things you told me elves did, to terrify me when I was small. He hasn't chopped my beard off and eaten it, and he looked quite disgusted when I mentioned the possibility to him. He hates me because I killed more Orcs than him and then I drunk him under the table.

Nothing interesting has been happening here, no mining, no discussions about ore, but at least Gondor has some good rock. We had an epic battle and Frodo destroyed the ring, which is quite good. The one ring… now, that was a waste of good gold, if ever there was. I call that disrespectful, pouring the powers of evil into a nice piece of metalwork. Quite proud of Frodo, now if he could just grow a beard...

Sonly affectionate greeting,

Gimli.

PS please video Back to the Future for me. I heard it's on TV

**Aragorn!:****we did it! **

Legolas Greenleaf: Yay Frodo and Sam!

Gimli Sonofgloin: yes!

Awesome Merry: Awesome!

**Pippin Took: HUGS FOR EVERYONE! :D**


	12. Aragorn is Culturally Sensitive

Hey everyone!

Thank you so much for the many wonderful and overly-generous reviews. This is, according to my calculations, the second to last chapter. There will be one more chapter after this.

*WOW! PICTURES!*

My sibling, an artist on deviantart (happy birthday Flynn_the_cat!) has just made this fanfiction into a 'squidoo' page- Flynn spent hours doing crazy computer things to it to add user pictures and make it look more like the real facebook. Squidoo dot com slash facebook-fellowship for tiny little photos of the characters next to their lines. It looks awesome. Thanks Flynn! Mmm, Viggo Mortensen.

EXTRA LONG UPDATE to squeeze everything in and to make up for my slow-ness in updating! Sorry

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**Frodo Baggins:**** It's gone!**

_Everyone__ likes this. _

**Merry Brandybuck****: Yay!  
**

**Gandalf:** **OK, let's hit the pub, guys! I think we deserve it.**

_Aragorn!__, __Boromir ofgondor;__Frodo Baggins;__Gimli Sonofgloin__; __ Merry Brandybuck__; __ Legolas Greenleaf Pippin Took __and __Sam Gamgee __like this._

**Aragorn!:**** oh Eru, I don't know whose idea of a traditional stag night is worse- elves, dwarves, maia or hobbits. My aching head. **

Sam Gamgee: I don't think you should have insisted on being so culturally sensitive

Aragorn!: I have now learned there is such a thing as too much cultural sensitivity

Pippin Took: trying out all our stag night customs in one night _was_ a bit ambitious

Merry Brandybuck: I don't think he expected us hobbits to have a tradition each

Frodo Baggins: well, he should have done. We hobbits come from very ancient families, with their own customs

Legolas Greenleaf:Yes, some of what you tiny mortals are capable of took me by surprise.

Gandalf: hobbits really are amazing creatures.

Gimli Sonofgloin: Hey Aragorn! You want to know the worst stag night tradition? Well, you had the Brandybuck's pre-wedding drunken boat race, the Gamgee's custom of intoxicated potato peeling, the Baggins' carefully choreographed dance routine, the Took's jumping off things, shouting, singing and throwing the peeled potatoes tradition, the Mirkwood tree-climbing-while-outdrinking-a-squirrel, or even Gandalf's staff tricks…

Aragorn!: I don't remember half of that…I guess it explains the fact I woke up soaking wet, with a peeled thumb and a squirrel bite on my ear and a sore... er… staff.

Gimli Sonofgloin: well, even worse than all of those, is the Dwarvish custom of carefully recording all of the groom-to-be's antics, and giving them to the bride to view at her pleasure. And posting the photos on facebook.

Aragorn!: oh, Eru…

Gimli Sonofgloin: lovely shot of you making out with Pip.

Aragorn! Oh Eru, she will kill me with her pointy elf sword. I told Peter Jackson not to give her any weapons.

Pippin Took: Yuk! I swear I felt tongue. Kissing you is like being attacked by angry facial hair.

Merry Brandybuck: or kissing a Wookiee.

Boromir: I felt quite left out. All I could drink was spirits.

_Gimli Sonofgloin_ _posted the album 'Aragorn's stag night!' on Facebook._

_Gimli Sonofgloin__ tagged __Aragorn!__ in three hundred and seventeen photos._

**Pippin Took:**** very long, very boring ceremony behind very tall Gondorians. What exactly is going on?**

Merry Brandybuck:They're crowning Aragon, Pip.

Pippin Took: What? _Crowning _him? Why?

Merry Brandybuck:  He's the king of Gondor, stupid. And this is Gondor.

Pippin Took: wait, what? _Strider _is the _king_ of this place?

Frodo Baggins: as of about two seconds ago, yes. That's why everyone's been talking about the return of the king.

Pippin Took: I thought the king was that setting-things-on-fire man?

Sam Gamgee: That was the steward of Gondor, I think. He just kept the throne warm, in a manner of speaking.

Pippin Took: Why does no-one ever _tell_ me anything? :(

_Aragorn!__ and __Arwen Evenstar __changed their relationship to married._

Elrond: this is why facebook needs a dislike button :(

**Legolas Greenleaf: ****now they seem to be kissing. How could you bring yourself to kiss **_**Aragorn? **_**Most unnatural. **

Pippin Took: Legolas, I think I speak on behalf of all hobbits when I ask you _please, _as a freakishly tall being, to keep us all informed of _what on Middle Earth is going on?_

Legolas Greenleaf: Ha ha, you short people. Ok, Aragorn just kissed Arwen far too enthusiastically. The crowd feels sick. Even Arwen looks faintly disgusted. She's wiping her mouth on her sleeve. They've just got married, I think. Elrond looks pissed off. Aragorn is king, finally… People are cheering half-heartedly. Now they're making a dash for the free food. They look much more cheerful. Aragorn has called them all back. They had to obey him. He's going to gloat terribly.

**Aragorn!:**** is the king!**

Gondorian 1: Well, I didn't vote for you.

Aragorn!: If you start with stupid quotes, I will throw my throne at you!

Gondorian 1: Help, I'm being oppressed!

Aragorn!: ... I walked right into that one, didn't I.

_Aragorn!_ _Changed his name to __King! Aragorn!_

**Sam Gamgee:**** Why is everyone bowing at us? **

Frodo Baggins: maybe because we saved the world? Or maybe they're just trying to bend down and give us a better look at the coronation?

Merry Brandybuck:that must be it. Nice of them to realise we're short.

**King! Aragorn!:**** KING KING KING AND I GET THE HOT CHICKS OOOOH YEAH**

Arwen Evenstar: *Ahem*

King! Aragorn!: I mean the hot chick, singular, ooh yeah.

Arwen Evenstar: I know I've just given up my immortality, but somehow it feels like my life with you is stretching into eternity anyway. Sigh.

King! Aragorn! Cos that's the power of LURVE

**Gimli Sonofgloin:**** Man, human weddings are boring. Not enough beer or gold. **

King! Aragorn!: DERN DERn DErn Dern dern.

Gimli Sonofgloin: YOU HAVE JUST STARTED A MAJOR INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT.

**Pippin Took:**** Goodbye, Gondor! Hugs for everyone!**

King! Aragorn! Manly hugs for everyone!

_Gimli Sonofgloin__ and __Legolas Greenleaf__ are attending_ 'Terrifying Journey into the Scary Green Darkness of Fangorn Forest, where they Probably eat Dwarves."

Legolas Greenleaf:… could you rename the event, please? I was thinking more along the lines of 'Wow! Trees! Awesome!'

_Gimli Sonofgloin__ and __Legolas Greenleaf__ are attending '_The Glittering Caves of Aglarond!'

Sam Gamgee:  well, that was all very exciting,, but I am really looking forward to returning to the Shire… where they cook potatoes properly, where there's peace and quiet and a distinct lack of evil villains, where you can get beer at the Green Dragon and where lovely lovely Rosie Cotton lives…

Sam Gamgee: *blushes* er, and lots of other lovely hobbits besides. Um. How do you delete posts?

Frodo Baggins: Oh, come on, Sam! You fought off a massive spider and put up with me whining. You can ask Rosie out!

Merry Brandybuck: peace and quiet? Er…. Anyone remember that foreboding?


	13. The Scouring of the Shower

Hello everyone,

Last chapter! Sorry it took so long... I've just returned from hiking up Mt Doom (yes! We were the ones who were daring each other to leap out on a group of school children and shout YOU SHALL NOT PASS at them). Mt Doom doesn't have the internet.

I can only repeat how much I've enjoyed writing this and how very grateful I am to you all for reading it, especially to you wonderful people who review! And even more so to you wonderful wonderful people who have reviewed regularly and given me helpful advice/ideas I've used/answered my questions. I wanted to thank you all individually here but there were just so many of you!

I don't own, and only meddle with, Tolkien's work, Peter Jackson's work, the Discworld, The Hitchiker's Guide, facebook, twilight, the Lion King, Monty Python, Firefly and anything else I've stolen from (If It's funny or awesome) or mocked (if it's twilight).

Ps apparently you google/internet search "facebook fellowship squidoo" for the version with pictures that the wonderful Flynn-the-Cat did.

Reviewers from Australia, please forgive me.

* * *

**King! Aragorn!****: I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!**

Gimli Sonofgloin: I've never seen a King with such pathetic facial hair

_Frodo Baggins __wrote on __King! Aragorn!'__s wall:_ I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart-to-heart

King! Aragorn!: Kings don't need advice from little hobbits for a start

Frodo Baggins: If this is where the monarchy is heading, count me out! Out of Gondor, out of Middle Earth, I wouldn't hang about.

**Merry Brandybuck****: well, that was quite an adventure. **

**Sam Gamgee:**** I hope my potatoes are OK... can't wait to go home and check on them**

Frodo Baggins: we're all keen to go home

Pippin Took: I'm not. I met someone here that I rather like.

Merry Brandybuck: WTF, Pip? I didn't know you had any relations here…

Pippin Took: you will pay for that comment, you Brandybuck.

_Pippin Took c__hanged his relationship status to it's complicated_

Merry Brandybuck: Well, it would be rather complicated if you met someone here... they'd be twice your height!

Pippin Took: Try to keep your jealousy under control, cousin. In fact, this fine lady is a mere foot and a half taller than me

Sam Gamgee: Please tell me you are joking.

Pippin Took: It is a quite reasonable height difference, easily traversed. I just stand on something and the problem is solved.

Merry Brandybuck: You stand on something?

Pippin Took: Legolas found me a box.

Frodo Baggins: as long as you never have children... I don't think Middle Earth is ready for three-quarterlings.

**Legolas Greenleaf:**** this city needs more trees**

Sam Gamgee: I agree. And more plants in general. And more potatoes.

Gimli Sonofgloin: elves like trees in the same way Australians like sheep...

Legolas Greenleaf: what's an Australian? Was that an insult?

Gimli Sonofgloin: I... I don't know... I don't know what came over me just then. It felt like someone was writing through me.

_Pippin Took__ changed his relationship status to "in a relationship"_

_Pippin Took_ _changed his relationship status to "single"_

Merry Brandybuck: aw, never mind Pip. You'll be very popular back in the Shire!

Pippin Took: She- she said I was _cute! _I'm not cute... I thought I was fierce!

**Gimli Sonofgloin:**** Is regretting a rather hasty deal he made with That Elf. Anyone know how to defend yourself from an angry tree?**

King! Aragorn!: Alas, that is a branch of warfare unknown to me.

King! Aragorn!: ...

King! Aragorn!: BRANCH of warfare?

Legolas Greenleaf: We got it, Aragorn. It just wasn't funny. Gimli, you need to man up.

Gimli Sonofgloin: Man? Up? That expression is both specieist and heightist!

_The Fellowship of the Ring__ is attending _Last Goodbye/ Yet Another Excuse for Mad Drinking up at Aragorn's place!

Arwen: oh for Eru's sake, how many of these have you had? And every one of them ends with someone passed out on the roof, and someone else throwing up on my nice curtains. And I know who it was last time _Pippin_ because a) whoever threw up had consumed a large amount of mushrooms and b) because of the hidden video camera.

Pippin Took: we are the Fellowship of the Pub Crawl now!

Gimli Sonofgloin: let's spike Legolas' drinks. I want to see if it's true that elf-vomit glows in the dark.

King! Aragorn!: If anyone makes any reference to getting royally pissed, spirits or the drinking horn of Gondor, the party is cancelled.

Boromir Ofgondor: these drinking parties are so corporealist.

Pippin Took: Sam, bring your potato vodka! It's amazing!

Merry Brandybuck: most drunk person at midnight has to update their facebook status.

Gimli Sonofgloin: I HATE that rule.

Gandalf: goodbye evevveryryones! LOVES YOU ALL! LOVES YOUOUU youe the bBEST fellowship any one ever had. ,

Merry Brandybuck: OK, I didn't expect it to be Gandalf.

**Legolas Greenleaf:**** I am definitely going to hate this cave. Dark, UNDERGROUND, smelly, full of rocks and distinctly lacking in trees or anything else remotely interesting.**

Gimli Sonofgloin: well, you can't back out of it now!

KIng! Aragorn! : don't be too hard on him. He's just scared of the dark.

Legolas Greenleaf: I am NOT scared of the dark. I just happen to be a little... claustrophobic. It's a cultural thing.

King! Aragorn!: Oh, a cultural thing, is it? Like the males doing the cooking in elvish society? Arwen claims that's a cultural thing too. I saw right through it, of course! She can't trick me with that one!

Gimli Sonofgloin: Then why do you always do the cooking? And the cleaning?

King! Aragorn!: ...

Gimli Sonofgloin: Ha!

Merry Brandybuck: In the Shire, we all cook. And then we all eat.

Legolas Greenleaf: Cook, eat, repeat. Yup, we had that figured out.

Pippin Took: you can pretty much reduce our cultural heritage to those three words.

Merry Brandybuck: except when it's 'drink, eat, repeat'. or 'Smoke, eat, repeat'.

Pippin Took: we tried 'drink, cook, eat' and decided not to repeat.

Merry Brandybuck: I told you that you couldn't eat the curtains, but you insisted they were 'some kind of delicious biscuit."

Pippin Took: I was quoting!

Merry Brandybuck: you were on fire. I don't mean 'High five, dude, you were on fire!'. I am talking about extensive damage to my furniture, and second degree burns.

Legolas Greenleaf:  I never know if I should interrupt you two quickly before you get going and no-one else can get a word in, or just prepare to be surprised at where the conversation ends up.

Sam Gamgee: I like cooking.

King! Aragorn!: I don't mind doing the cooking and cleaning, but she expects me to be the breadwinner and lightbulb-changer as well! I'm doing the non-traditional _and_ the traditional tasks, and she just watches the telly.

Legolas Greenleaf: just don't expect her to sew.

_Frodo Baggins__, __Sam Gamgee,__Merry Brandybuck__, __Pippin Took,__Gimli Sonofgloin __and __Legolas Greenleaf__ are attending_ Journey Home

**Legolas Greenleaf;**** Sparkly. Sparkly caves. **

Gimli Sonofgloin: that's elvish for "Gimli was right! I was wrong!"

King! Aragorn!: Aw, I miss you guys. Being King is boring. You're not supposed to chop people's heads off. Apparently there are rules about that sort of thing... Even Boromir's always haunting the tavern so I have no-one to talk to.

Gimli Sonofgloin: Now who's failing? Aw, I don't mean it! We'll be back soon for another EPIC PUB CRAWL OF DOOM unless of course Legolas' pet trees eat me.

Legolas Greenleaf: Sparkly.

Gimli Sonofgloin: ... yes. I think this may have been a bad idea.

_Saruman__ changed his name to __Sharky _

Sharky: Curse you, Peter Jackson! CURSE YOU AND YOUR SLIGHTLY HAPPIER ENDINGS!

**Pippin Took:****Green Dragon! I missed you so!**

Sam Gamgee:  So did I...

Frodo Baggins: and I'm sure Rosie missed you too, Sam.

**Merry Brandybuck:**** yes, proper beer!**

_Pippin Took__ likes this. _

Pippin Took: proper weed!

**Frodo Baggins:**** I didn't save the Shire for me**

_Sam Gamgee__ and __Rosie Cotton __ are now in a relationship_

_Sam Gamgee __ and __Rosie Cotton__ are now engaged _

_Sam Gamgee__ and __Rosie Cotton __ are now married_

_Sam Gamgee __ and __Rosie Cotton__ are now abundantly fertile. _

**Pippin Took:**** the worst thing about coming home after being away for so long is that everything's in a mess. You have to air the rooms, wash the curtains, clean the bathrooms... **

Sam Gamgee: weed the gardens...

Frodo Baggns: yeah, and it's hard when you only have nine fingers.

Merry Brandybuck: Oh well, we might as well get on with it. Come on, everyone- let's go and scour the shower.


End file.
